We give a lot of credit to women in our shared history, but honestly, a lot of them probably wouldn’t even have many followers. As such, I decided to knock ‘em down a few pegs and list 10 women from history that would probably have very few notifications.
1. Helen Keller - American Author
I just don’t think it would be her thing. She doesn’t seem the type to really hook up the angles on a nice picture. Also, I hate when girls send pictures of their face with no text. It comes off as a little self-absorbed, Helen.
2. Marie Antoinette - Former Queen of France
“So no head?”
She evidently did not have any cake. Any chick I’m snapping probably has cake, ergo I would not be snapping Ms. Antoinette. Next!
3. Virgin Mary - Religious Figure
Not doing herself any favors with that name. I’m friends with a guy on Snapchat called Fucker Dan. He fucks, and you can tell it’s true because it’s in his name. The same rules apply to Ms. Virgin over here. I rest my case.
4. Marie Curie - Physicist
Fuckin’ nerd!
5. Ada Lovelace - Mathematician
Ada Lovelace was, by some accounts, the first computer programmer ever. Wonderful! “Oh, I’m snapping this chick from my Comp Sci class.” Nope. No, you aren’t. Friends don’t let friends do that. The only woman in the computer science industry that gives me even the slightest sex appeal is Siri, and she calls me ‘daddy’ pretty regularly now.
6. Lena Dunham - American Actress
This list doesn’t have to be hypothetical.
7. Anne Frank - Holocaust-Era Diarist
She’s one of those chicks that only posts to her private story. Why so shy? Major turnoff, to me at least.
8. Jenny from Kappa Sigma - Bitch
It’s funny cause it’s true. You were nothing before Brandon, and you will be nothing after him. Have a good life!
9. Georgia O’Keeffe - Painter
It would be cool at first, but eventually, you would realize she’s been sending you paintings of flowers this whole time, which kinda makes you regret all the jacking off you did to them earlier.
10. Pocahontas - Powhatan Tribal Leader
She didn’t have wifi. Or a phone, for that matter. They weren’t invented yet. Duh.