The star of every movie from 2003-2011 has finally pushed his luck too far, and it is announced that Nicholas Cage has been placed on death row in California, to be executed for running the largest money laundering scheme in the state's history.
The accusations follow a 17 month investigation by the Los Angeles branch of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, led by chief inspector Lucielle Martin.
“I initially grew suspicious of Mr. Cage when I learned that he was part of the Coppola family. They are just movie producers but any time an Italian American is part of a ‘family’ it's usually pretty fishy,” Detective Martin said. She claims this line of thinking is not prejudiced as she has friends from New Jersey.
Martin's suspicions paid off when it was discovered the reason for Cage’s extensive list of shitty acting roles was actually a multinational money laundering scheme for devious clients such as the Irish Mob, Kyrgyzstani Bratva, and Elon Musk’s private holdings.
While the judge presiding over the case, the Honorable Eunace Wu, admits that the death penalty for a white collar crime is “more of a Texas thing,” the extenuating circumstances of the case required harsh action.
“If he was just messing around with money that would be one thing. Hell, for the rich that’s barely a crime,” Wu said. “But he had to go out and make that fucking ‘Ghost Rider’ movie, and I did what I had to do.”
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