The entire Catholic student body decided to pull a “guy who still listens to Jazz” and decide that they were born in the wrong generation. Although, instead of whining about it on Twitter, they instead decided to bring back the time-honored tradition of torturing those who don’t agree with you. I mean, who can blame them? It’s just so effective, a broken knee here, a shattered jaw there, and you’ve got even your biggest haters agreeing with you.
This decision was headed by an ambitious group of student bishops who have introduced many other new and exciting ideas into the org. Some examples include allowing people of color into heaven and admitting that sometimes women can think for themselves. Most notably, they voted to end the brainwashing of the lower classes into not complaining about their shitty lives. All very impactful and very new to the Catholic body as a whole.
These bishops have come out saying that the reason for this newfound effort was occasional reports of alleged underage drinking, substance abuse, premarital sex, and worst of all, use of The Lord’s name in vain. These reports, while worrying, are actually representative of only a small part of the Madison population. While these heretics may reside among us, worry not, lovers of the big G. The inquisition will root them out, one severed finger at a time.
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