Confused Madison Residents Commend ICE Raids, say “at Least It’ll Get Warmer”

In a stunning show of support for Immigration and Customs Enforcement from one of the most liberal cities in Wisconsin, many Madison residents have gathered to cheer on the ICE raids ordered by the new Trump administration. George Fitzgeorge, 56, of the Vilas neighborhood, is a lifelong Madison resident. Having witnessed the history of immigrants in the city firsthand, he told Misnomer reporters that “it’s nice to know that they’re finally doing something about the slippery conditions.” 

University students are also hopeful, with one, junior Nevaeh Heavens, saying “if they’re not going to cancel classes, they might as well do something about the ice.”

Many fraternities on campus have banded together to support the raids more concretely: “They’re out there with not enough equipment to truly raid the ice,” Bret Chet, a sophomore member of Tau Kappa Epsilon, claimed.“That’s why we’ve all donated flamethrowers to the brave souls making Madison warm again.” 

When approached for comment regarding the gift, an ICE spokesperson responded, “In the interest of national security, we cannot comment on how or if we will use the weapons. In the interest of the rule of cool, we’re totally gonna roleplay Mad Max on anyone we deem to be a threat, especially children.”

Immigrant advocacy groups have lambasted the donation and have started education programs in order to prepare not only immigrants but also bystanders for raids. “In all honesty, this is an unprecedented level of stupidity from everyone involved,” says Gabrielle Capri L. of Centro Hispano, the main nonprofit serving the Latine population of Dane County. “Once you get them to realize that the raids have nothing to do with the cold weather, which is almost impossible because their brains are poisoned by TikTok, you then have to get them to not talk to cops, which is almost impossible because their brains are poisoned by NCIS.”

An undocumented small business owner who declined to be named says the threat of raids has an immediate economic effect on their family: “Nos van a cobrar el doble de renta por el mismo edificio este mes,” they said, relating how the commercial space they use has undergone drastic price hikes. “Cuando les pregunté por qué, amenazaron no solo a mí, pero también a mis hijos,” they continued tearfully, telling of the landlords’ threats towards them and their children. 

The family has a contingency plan to leave for an undisclosed location at a moment’s notice.

Bret Chet, upon learning what ICE raids actually were, told us, “Oh. I don’t care, then. I don’t really keep up with politics like that.”