NEW ORLEANS, LA– Rapper and entertainer Aubrey Drake Graham sued the United States Monday, citing their enjoyment of Kendrick Lamar’s Super Bowl halftime show as a cause for severe emotional distress.
“All we know is that everyone is a plaintiff,” stated Michael Simpson, acting U.S. Attorney for the Eastern District of Louisiana, at a press conference on Monday. “The suit was only served to us yesterday, and this is a rather unusual case. We don’t quite understand how it is going to work. Will we all have to pay a little bit? Will it come out of tax revenues? Does everybody just have to apologize to Mr. Graham? There’s a lot of questions our team is going through right now.” Simpson further clarified that “maybe Drake is just a little bitch” and “It wasn’t even the point of the halftime show. There was clearly a deeper metaphor being drawn.”
“Yeah, I’m suing everybody. This was personal between me and Kendrick, now it’s personal between me and all 300 million United States citizens,” the “Hotline Bling” rapper explained in a competing press conference.
Graham’s attorneys later clarified that citizens, regardless of whether they ‘got’ the halftime show, would not be dropped from the suit. “Failure to understand the historical, political, and cultural significance of Lamar’s admittedly thought-provoking critique of the United States does not negate the fact that the entire country united for one brief, shining moment to mock my client in a moment where tensions between the United States and Canada are already fraught. Drake is our main export aside from denim-on-denim.”
Kendrick Lamar, rapper and Pulitzer Prize winner, declined to comment but gave our reporter a knowing smile.
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