As Halloween weekend comes upon us, everyone is trying to find that perfect costume that will make their peers think they’re just the right balance of creative, relatable, and sexy. Some people try to avoid this age-old problem altogether and use a tactic to outsmart the whole situation: the purposeful low-effort costume. Sophomore Jimmy Wahl thought he could get away with writing “costume” on one of his plain shirts, but he ended up paying the price.
Jimmy considered spending $10 on a basic and acceptable scarecrow costume, but he decided that it was unfair for everyone to expect him to spend money on such a silly holiday! Instead, he realized that his pure, unfiltered cleverness could get him a costume for free. When Jimmy showed up to the party wearing his “costume” costume, however, he was not awarded with the expected cheers and congratulations for his genius idea. He was instead met with disappointment and loathing.
Jimmy’s girlfriend of many years, Beth, was the first to lay eyes on him and began to instantly sob. In front of everyone at the party, she had no choice but to say, “I’m so sorry, but I don’t think it’s going to work out between us. It’s one thing if you don’t put effort into making me orgasm, but this? No effort on Halloween? I can’t look past it.”
Jimmy then tried to salvage his relationship, by explaining and saying, “Babe, I’m not sure that you get the costume. You see, my costume is that I’m saying it’s a costume! It’s ironic, sweetie-pie. I’m toying with expectations! I can’t help that no one is as philosophical as I am, honeybunch!”
With a weeping girlfriend and a partyful of haters, Jimmy turned to the one person who would always support him and see his brilliance: his mom. He told everyone that “she’ll tell them” and set out to FaceTime her.
Mrs. Wahl said a cheery hello, but when Jimmy panned down to his outfit, she fell gravely silent and somber. She then said the most crippling thing a mother can say and told him to “take her off speakerphone.” Chilled to the bone, Jimmy put the phone up to his ear and asked his mom if she liked the costume. She was silent for a moment before saying, “Jimmy, I’m not sure you should come home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I think your father and I may need some space from you.”
Defeated and unloved, Jimmy returned to his apartment to get some comfort from his beloved dog, Lucky, only to find Lucky’s collar atop a note saying “The carelessness of your costume doesn’t bode well for my future. Ruff, Lucky.”
댓글