Jake Bennet doesn’t wear masks anywhere, but it’s for good reason: “I’m just not a mask type of guy.”
Bennet, member of Delta Delta Delta fraternity and surprisingly intelligent enough to make a DDD bra size joke out of that, wants people to understand where he’s coming from when he acts like an asshole.
“Masks just aren’t for me. I’ve given ‘em a try, but it’s just like trying to drink something that isn’t Monster or White Claw: unbearable.”
Students are divided on where they stand with Jake.
Said his friend Haili, “Yeah, it’s kind of a dick move not to wear a mask, but it’d be a shame if his goofy little smile were hidden.”
Other girls are immune to Jake’s charm. Classmate Ainsley Benson generally appreciates the six-foot distance rule.
“He’s so annoying. He gets in really close and takes OFF his mask to talk to me. Even without a deadly virus around, I’d rather avoid the stench of energy drinks and Doritos.”
As Jake has recently become the bane of every essential worker’s existence, local businesses assured us that they have a “White Privileged Male” alert system in place to keep employees safe. Unfortunately, the alarm goes off pretty much nonstop.
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