REPORT: Late last night, tragedy struck during a baking-related meet-up in a very dark alley that “smelled amazing.” Witnesses attest that fights had broken out over a blackened banana that looked perfect for baking some banana bread.
The crime report states that one suspect screamed, “You’re just going to put it in the freezer and forget about it!” Tensions were high. Passers-by reported hearing the loud, screeching whir of a stand up mixer around 11:00pm, but when emergency services were finally able to arrive, the banana had already been pronounced bread at the scene.
The suspects allege that they had been able to bake the bread in that short time, and “didn’t just leave the banana in the freezer okay?!” To corroborate or refute this account, police are asking the public to provide any information they may have about this deliciously banana-y crime. Anyone who sees a pudgy white man with a blue bowtie who goes by the alias “doughboy” is asked to call 1-800-THE-BREAD-IS-DEAD.
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