Mr. Krabs Shot Dead Outside The Kollege Klub

MADISON, WI - It’s a sad day across Madison, as Mr. Krabs, legendary owner of the Krusty Krab, was found shot to death outside the popular bar The Kollege Klub early Sunday morning. Students all over campus woke up to the tragic news, and vigils were held throughout the day as students mourned the death of the iconic businessman. 

“I just can’t believe he’s gone”, sophomore Jane Bellington told The Misnomer. “He came in as a guest speaker for my finance class one day and he even offered me an internship at the Krusty Krab Corporation after he saw how passionate I was about accounting”.

Bellington’s sentiment was echoed across campus as students remembered Mr. Krabs. A large candlelight vigil was held atop Observatory Hill where Krabs could often be found late at night, enjoying the views of the lake. Martin Skorno, a former cook at the Krusty Krab, was one of the chief organizers, wanting to honor his former boss. “Few people have had as profound an impact on my life as Mr. Krabs. He always treated his employees with dignity, paid competitive wages with full benefit packages, and even referred me to some excellent counseling after the death of a loved one. He was truly one of a kind”. Krabs appears to have had a change of heart after moving to Madison from Bikini Bottom, where rumors circulated that he often attempted to circumvent the minimum wage and OSHA laws.

Krabs was at KK to celebrate after the incredibly successful launch of the Impossible™ Krabby Patty, sources close to him tell us. Eyewitnesses inside the KK said Krabs had had quite a bit to drink and exited the bar around 1:15 in the morning. “He must’ve downed a dozen shots of Henny, so I told him ‘Ay boss, go get some sleep’”, says Tony “Fat Joe” Rigatoni, a confidant to Krabs. “Little did I know that’d be the last time I’d see him alive. I never should have let him go! This is all my fault!”

Shortly after Krabs left, several shots rang out and patrons rushed outside to see what happened. They found Krabs’ body lying on the pavement with bullet holes in the chest and neck. Investigators determined the shots were fired from such close range that they were able to penetrate his thick crab shell. Despite heroic efforts from passersby and first responders, Mr. Krabs was pronounced dead at the scene by EMTs at 1:22 AM. Witnesses near the scene report seeing a man approximately 5 feet 10 inches tall wearing a black hoodie run away from the scene before getting into a dark Chevy sedan that sped down Lake Street.

The incident is currently under active homicide investigation according to the Madison Police Department. Chief Shon Barnes told reporters, “We are actively pursuing a number of leads and suspects, and while we do not currently have anyone in custody, we are confident we will soon apprehend the perpetrators of this heinous crime”. 

Several names have been floated as potential suspects in conversations throughout the city. Sheldon J. Plankton, owner of the Chum Bucket and notorious rival to Krabs, was initially considered a prime suspect, but ballistic analysis indicated the shots were fired from a height that Plankton was too tiny to reach. Madison Police are encouraging anyone with information to contact MPD Central District at 608-261-9694.