Plants. You’ve heard about them, and it seems like everyone is bringing them into their homes in an attempt to fill the void of human interaction during the pandemic. Everyone and their mother at least has a decrepit Christmas cactus or bitch-ass peace lily, but for one quirky local man, plants are filling another void: a personality. Craig, a senior biology major admits that quarantine has given him, “major plant dad vibes” and that his sun deprived succulents are “literally like his children.”
Despite a previous lack of interest in plants or really any living thing he wasn’t in the process of trying to have sex with, Craig insists that he’s a changed man,
“When my last girlfriend broke up with me I felt lost, afraid, and unbearably horny, and that first little succulent I got from the Home Depot filled two of these voids. Ever since, I just can’t stop collecting! I’m obsessed!” Craig has made his home into a mini Amazon rainforest, complete with the dead and dying foliage you’d expect as well as 5 avocado seeds sprouted at the start of quarantine.
“I just love being surrounded by life! All if these beautiful living things keep my sharkras aligned according to that VICE article I skimmed the headline on,” said Craig, clutching onto a monstera desperately in need of water and repotting. “Plus, my tinder dates usually think I’m artsy and unique for having all of these exotic plants… at least if I brought a girl over from tinder I’m pretty sure that’s what she’d think.”
While Craig hasn’t yet been able to use his newfound horticultural “prowess” to attract a partner, he remains confident that one day a girl will be impressed by a fried Boston fern and assortment of dying orchids.
“I wanna prove to girls that I can be nurturing and caring, if I can remember to water these guys after forgetting for a few weeks and half heartedly fertilize whenever I feel like it, I can totally remember to get her chocolates two weeks after our anniversary!”
Craig expressed his deepest excitement of his newest green victim: an english ivy. “Yeah I’m gonna look like such an intellectual with this bad boy cascading down my bookshelf… or it’ll die and I can appeal to some goth chick who likes dead stuff. That’s the backup for all these plants honestly.”
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