Life is full of ups and downs, from waking up after a house party with your liver still intact to working a double shift with a hangover. Junior Jannet MacCready has seen one of life’s harshest downs this past weekend when she officially lost her best friend: local Amphetamines dealer Lawrence Finke.
MacCready had been a regular customer of Finke for the past 3 years. Utilizing his patented brand of Cinnamon Toast CrankTM to stay energized through power lectures and threaten to eat TA’s who give her bad grades. Over the course of this time, MacCready reports that a “mutual respect blossomed into a passionate, but platonic, relationship. I tried to kiss him once, but he said he only dates chicks with all their teeth. Probably just a don’t date the customers rule, it's fine. I totally understand.”
All was going well until Finke declined an invitation to a slam poetry birthday party MacCready was hosting for her plastic plant. When it was pointed out that attending is what good friends do, Finke reportedly responded with a text reading:
“4 the last time. Who the fuck are you. Please stop texting me, it is getting scary.”
This, combined with the 6 ounces of amphetamines MacCready had taken in preparation for her party, sent her into what was described by witnesses as “an inhuman rage that would frighten God himself.”
MacCready was caught on security cameras sprinting down University Avenue towards her usual drug pick up spot, stopping only once to rip apart a bystanders bicycle and scream “Why don’t people love me?” as she chewed the bike's tires and continued on her way.
The following altercation between MacCready and Finke has been censored by the 1966 Freedom of Information Act, with the Wisconsin supreme court ruling it fits under the national security exemption. We are, however, allowed to report that when asked about what had happened by first responders Finke responded
“Funny thing, i had just got a new phone and didn’t have her number, once Jenny showed up I totally knew who she was. I would've loved to go to her poetry-party! We’ve been friends for years. Well, til she took my leg bones that is.”
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