Today, we sit down with Alexa Purno to discuss an issue she has been struggling with since the implementation of the Covid-19 spit tests. She believes her struggles are campus wide and must be addressed.
Ms. Nomer: Okay, so can you generally explain the issue you’ve been having, Alexa?
Purno: I mean sure. Basically, whenever I get the test, as soon as the spit starts to accumulate and drip out of my mouth, it's like my body forces me to say, “You like that, daddy?” You know, it's like the hiccups or I guess breathing. You don’t think about it.
Ms. Nomer: Interesting, and you are referring to your father, correct?
Purno: What? No, absolutely not.
Ms. Nomer: Oh, you are referring to a sexual partner of sorts?
Purno: Of sorts? What? Look, it is very embarrassing having those words come out of your mouth everytime you take a COVID test. I came here to seek change. I want the tests back to how they used to be. The only thing those triggered was a good sneeze.
Ms. Nomer: So, are you implying others have had similar issues?
Purno: Oh yes! This is by no means just me. For example, my friend Emily says, “Oh yeah, look at that salty drool,” my friend Damien says, “Damn, these lips are moist,” and Travis says, “Open your mouth so I can share this sweet, savory elixir with you.”
Ms. Nomer: Oh yeah, keep going. What else?!
Purno: What?
Ms. Nomer: Nevermind… Hey you wanna grab some coffee or something?
Purno: No sorry, I have to go get a test.
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