The U.S. Navy recently surprised the residents of Honolulu, Hawaii with a generous donation of valuable petroleum, conveniently storing it in the city’s supply of drinking water.
“We just wanted to give back to the community, military families and civilians alike,” a Navy spokesperson said in an interview. “We thought, what better gift to give them than faucets that spew the world’s most valuable energy resource?”
Residents whose water is supplied by the Red Hill aquifer now get to enjoy a water-petroleum cocktail that they can use either to fuel their cars* or fuel their bodies**. Resident Anna Hale says that the donation was a welcome surprise.
“Occupying forces almost never give back to the civilians of the territory, so I was pleasantly surprised,” said Hale. “Hopefully I can use this precious resource to pay for my medical bills—I’ve been having weird headaches, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and skin-related concerns that I’ve gotta get checked out.”
For the residents of Honolulu, it’s a miracle. For the U.S. Navy, it’s just another day on the job.
“No, no, don’t thank us. It was easy,” the Navy spokesperson said. “The fuel storage facility is literally right above the aquifer; connecting the two was as simple as punching a straw into a CapriSun.”
*Caution: using fuel diluted with water will harm your vehicle
**Caution: using water diluted with fuel will harm your body
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